A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns
from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new
lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers,
dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he
sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you
with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There,
there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean.
Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd
like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to
find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here
to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you
come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch
there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in
the house and sees his new bride buck naked sliding
down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and
WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up
the stairs, the puzzled husband asks,
"What are you doing, Honey?"
She replies with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"
---------------------------------------
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive
woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem.
`You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it
this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven",
said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with
and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good
time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I
had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a
great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends
look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you; today you're staff."
---------------------------------------
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity
from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If
you
feel
that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see
your
manager. You will be immediately place at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list, and
our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the
S.H.I.T.
you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be
placed
in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those
who fail
to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE
ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our
managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have
to do
S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T. will get
the
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
----------------------------------------------
This is kinda funny.
I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in
the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a
little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy
came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket.
I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys,
etc., had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our
order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Price
Waterhouse efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after
months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons
on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3
spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this
contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save
time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a
"ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen
spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next
time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly
explained. I was impressed."Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he
answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted
back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when,
out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from
our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and,
sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of
their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before
he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about
that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone ."Not many people are that observant.
That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."
"How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we
can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate
the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked
"Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it
back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I
use my spoon."
-------------------------------------------
Subject: True Bathroom Humor
ad was sent to me, don't know whether it's true or not. But it's
clever...
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with
unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving
dozens of little lip prints.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate
how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to
clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed
the mirror. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
--------------------------------------------------
Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in
their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a
number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents
Carter, Ford, and Bush along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and
Quayle. After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President
Quayle excuses himself to use the bathroom, the one adjacent to the
First Family's private living room. After a couple of minutes, he returns
to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the
time.
After the dinner, as the Quayles return home, Dan turns to Marilyn
and says, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in this bathroom?
How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying
that?
Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a sly grin as she turns
to her husband and says, "We've really caught him with his
pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the
papers and give them a little'insider' information, dear?"
"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!" says Dan to his lovely wife.
"You know, sometimes you're just too smart," as he leans over to
hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.
The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have
been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton
opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating:
"CLINTONS SPLURGE ON GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE."
Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom,
"Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!"
-------------------------------------
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a
young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.
Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she
comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me
more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and
all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to
speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds
like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I
live."
-------------------------------
Two elderly ladies, Sophie and Sadie were visiting each other at a
Miami beachfront condominium.
Sadie asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"
Sophie replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows on
TV. There's nothing else. How about you? What do you do for
excitement?
Sadie answers, "What can one do these days? Once in a while I suck
on a LifeSaver."
Sophie says, "My, my aren't you lucky you live so close to the
beach!"
------------------------------------------
Subject: Woman's Point of View
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.
-----------------------------------------------
Q & A
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play
with....the other is used to carry groceries.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.
Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double -
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
Q: What is forty foot long and has eight teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What's the weather like in Tahoe?
A: Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
------------------------------
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*ck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.
----------------------------------
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997,
Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the
world, and it sets him back $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and,
while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both
looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks
over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car
ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost
$500,000.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost
so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool
dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure,"replies the
owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car,
all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my RX-7?" the young man
asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It
goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked
like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The
young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course
the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the
dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do
for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!"
------------------------------------------------
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop
them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on
their
car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch
up
with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
------------------------------------------
Y2K Solved From Texas AM University
Study from College Station...
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time
and on budget. We
have gone through every line of code in every program
in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files,
including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect
the change. We are
proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K"
date change mission,
and have now implemented all changes to all programs
and all data to
reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March,
April, Mak, June,
Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak,
Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be
honest, none of this Y
to K problem has made any sense to me. But I
understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in any way
possible. And what
does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of
which, what do you
think we ought to do next year when the two digit
year rolls over from
99 to 00? We'll await your direction.
----------------------------------
A MARINE OFFICER GOING HOME FROM WORK AT THE PENTEGON WAS HUNG UP IN
TRAFFIC. IT WAS WORSE THAN USUAL, NO ONE MOVING AT ALL. AFTER SITTING
THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES, HE NOTICED A POLICE OFFICER GOING FROM CAR TO CAR,
LANE TO LANE. WHEN HE CAME CLOSE ENOUGH THE MARINE FLAGGED THE OFFICER DOWN
AND ASKED WHAT WAS GOING ON. IN REPLY THE OFFICER SAID,"THE PRESIDENT IS
VERY DEPRESSED OVER THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL AND HAS STOPPED HIS MOTORCADE ON
THE BELTLINE. HE SAYS HIS FAMILY HATES HIM AND HE CANNOT AFFORD THE 33.5
MILLION DOLLARS FOR HIS LAWYERS. HE IS
THREATENING TO DOUSE HIMSELF WITH GASOLINE AND SET HIMSELF ON FIRE IF HE
DOESN'T RECEIVE SOME FINANCIAL HELP FROM THE PUBLIC. I'M ASKING FOR
DONATIONS." THE MARINE OFFICER ASKED,"HOW MUCH HAVE YOU COLLECTED?" THE
OFFICER REPLIED,"SO FAR 300 GALLONS, BUT I STILL HAVE SOME PEOPLE
SIPHONING."
;-)
-------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching
about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group
does light bulbs fall into".
His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they
don't fall into any food group".
Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his
Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny
to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said
"I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad
tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would
eat it!"
---------------------------------------
Q. Why do men think they are so smart when they are having
sex with a woman?
A. Because they are plugged into a genius.
------------------------------------------
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been
married for years, and I keep having the same sex.
------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before.
-------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you know if a blond has been using a computer?
A. There is a condom on the joystick and two dollars in the
disk drive.
--------------------------------------